Sometimes it's really late at night and I can imagine totally bitching to someone, proving a point, getting what I want. But then the next morning, I realize I totally don't have the guts to do that...to anyone. Like, I imagined calling Financial Aid and being TOTALLY out there obnoxious, and today I could barely muster the courage to dial the number. And even when I did dial, the beep beep busy tone clucked, and I found myself partly annoyed, but partly relieved, too. And I only tried it that one time. I think the biggest thing is, that I'm afraid people will judge me, and magically we'll be in a situation together, making me look like a dumbass. I can't fully get into character due to my lack of confidence and my fear of consequences. Even when I called the counseling center to talk to them about hours, I only said, "once a week" when I really want twice a week to coincide with my gym schedule, to guarantee a time when I'll actually hit the gym. That's assuming I'll have enough money left for the gym membership. Seriously, my job pays well by the hour, but I'm not getting enough hours! I wish things would be easier than they really are. I wish I could snap my fingers and things would happen on their own.
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