Brownstone Water Park

In my opinion, Portland, my hometown, doesn't have much to offer. Except a few things: mini-golf (regular golf is boring), great ice cream, and BROWNSTONE WATER PARK. It has free days for Portland residents (me!), so my family decided to go for the day. We took a short break to see the parade which was also awesome...but then it was right back to swimming, cliff-diving, slide-going-down, and climbing. And for my little brother, wake-boarding. I've never been wake-boarding before, but it was extra cost (and my mother didn't ask me if I wanted to), so I didn't wanna be a pain. But it was extra fun anyway. I jumped off the big cliff about five times. Luke was really scared at first, but then he swallowed his fear and just jumped! Even the boys he just met cheered. I needed a countdown to finally jump off the ledge, but I did it! I was mostly afraid of not jumping far enough and scrapping my back against the cliff, but that's kind of unrealistic if you think about it. My face got nice and tan (loving it). I have some scratches and bruises from climbing everywhere, and even my right foot was giving me issues, but I'm a fighter and won't let little things like these to let my down. :)

I got this from the website. :D

Dirty Feet in the Summer!

"My curfew was the lightning bugs, my mom didn't call my cell phone, she called my name. I played outside with friends, not online. If I didn't eat what mom cooked, I didn't eat. Sanitizer didn't exist but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap. I rode a bike w/o a helmet, getting dirty was ok and neighbors cared as much as your parents. Repost if you drank from a garden hose and survived!"

This is a Facebook status that has been copied and pasted many times. I came across it and wished at that moment for a more simple time when things were all about how you approached people, not how to create the perfect text. My Nona even commented on my status saying this was what it was like when she was growing up! Now, I don't know if it's because of this quotation or the mere fact that I need to be more active, but the past few days (when it has been sunny!) I've been going outside more and more. Today I even found an old squirt gun. It started out boring at first squirting random things, but then I chased the cat with it! Which I gotta say, was greatly hilarious. I even kicked a ball around, played 2-square with my brother, played with my Frisbee randomly, and even went up to the call-de-sac (or dead end I can't spell) to check out Luke and his hand-made jump. I promised him that as soon as I got some air in my tires that I would ride with him, but I don't think I'm brave enough to actually jump anything. And I still have to be the responsible one. 


I should totally wash my feet. These aren't mine (dang, I need a camera cord!), but mine look the same. ;) 


Okay, change of plans. By searching "dirty feet" on Bing, they say BingSafe or whatever picks up some adult content that I don't want to see. For all I know, "dirty feet" could be a porno. And I also remembered that most people do not enjoy looking at feet. So I'm sparing you all! :) 


The only bad thing from all this playing is that now I'm super hungry!

Twitter Fenzy

You know what? I just thought of something! I can totally finish a novel this summer! I have about 2 or 3 started...you know, in journals scattered across my room. I got this idea after my gross run outside around my yard...it was gross because not only was I getting sweaty from the late afternoon sun...but I spotted a piece of douche from one of the neighborhood dogs. And there were mosquitoes! Not that this has ANYTHING to do with starting a novel or Twitter...haha. Anyways, I just wanted to say I got really distracted because I tweeted about 7 times in the past 3 min. And I just took a break from writing this to tweet that I'm gonna write a novel this summer! Hooray! Hooray!!
Haha, anyways, I feel really loopy right now from NOTHING...so I'll just get back to trying to remember where I put my creative writing journal. ;)

Fat A$$

Everything about me is big. My butt. My breasts. My hips. My thighs! I even have stretch marks! I overheard the social worker saying that the most fit time of his life was in his 20s. Well, I'm not even 20 yet and I catch my breath just walking up 3 flights of stairs, running laps around the yard, or walking up a stupid hill. I mean, my dog can't even motivate me because she's a fatty, too! Of course it isn't her fault...she and I were both brought into an inactive family. The only people that really understand me are my friends. And they can't even help me if I can't help myself. This makes me think of "I Used To Be Fat," and how I told Blithe that I would pull an "I Used To Be Fat" and get skinny. And I look at the mirror at my beautiful face that I somehow got from my parents and wonder, Why can't anyone see this part of me? And I think, All I really want is love.

Dustin Milligan

Some actors just come and go. Like Dustin Milligan. I don't know why...he was one of the stars of 90210 back in season 1. Then his character moved to Minnesota or some random state like that; I thought he was going to come back...but nope. He played the character Ethan, and Ethan's love, Annie, moved on to other guys. Tyler. Jasper. Liam. It's so easy for these TV stars to move on to new things and new boys. I don't think this is very realistic. Most girls I know stay attached to the same boy. Even when they try to move on, they always end up going back to that first love. Like in "16 and Pregnant." Kailyn knew it wasn't going to work out with Jo and even started hanging out with a new boy, Jordan. But somehow she couldn't stop thinking about Jo. Granted, Kailyn and Jo have a baby boy together, so maybe that makes the situation different. More delicate. Anyway, Dustin Milligan was totally hot. I still have a poster of him in my room. I was OBSESSED with him for a while there; his face is practically obscure from the lip gloss marks everywhere. He just seemed so fun and carefree. And I don't really know where I'm going with this other than I feel kinda bad that an actor like him could disappear from the teen circuit.

This is actually the poster I have in my room! Amazing how that worked out. :)

Summer Boots

A little while ago I read an article in Seventeen (no surprise) that featured Miranda Cosgrove. She said her favorite shoes were these boots that she bought a long time ago and she can wear them all year round. She said they're pretty beat up now, but somehow they look cooler (along those lines). I can believe that; most of my clothes are beat up, and it's a challenge to make them seem fresh or vintage. So, anyway, I was wondering what kind of boots I could wear in the summer. In the past summers, I have worn only sneakers or flip flops. I haven't really had to dress up for anything. So I typed "summer boots" into Bing, and you wouldn't believe the results!

They're more rain boot than anything else. They have that edgy combat boots trying to be girly feel, and they would be awesome to wear on a summer's day when it's raining...but definitely not the type of shoes you could get away with wearing almost every single day like Miranda's.

They have merit, but I can only picture myself wearing these shoes to the club or a really rad party where everyone dresses up. The colors? Black and gray actually looks good. The purple you can only wear with certain outfits. The pink AND purple? Eh.

They are too wintery. I can picture myself pairing these with skinny jeans and a scarf, not a summer dress.

Just no. Maybe for Rachel's little sister. 

Now these are more like it. And I didn't even find this image on any of the Bing websites...I went to Bing Images! I guess I should have done that in the beginning haha. But what I figured out is that summer is mostly for the open toe shoes like sandals, flippy floppies, wedges, sling backs, etc. But I gotta say the yellow ones and the bluish/greenish (I can't spell torquise) ones look extra cute! Gots to try the summer boots thing soon!!

Training

Today I officially started my training for camp this summer. It was all about CPR and blood (I got kind of grossed out with the bloody parts), and I was actually a lot better at CPR this year than last year. I guess I'm getting stronger! We had to work with these fake, plastic humans. They creeped me out a little last year, but I was used to them this year so they didn't bother me. It just gets me extra excited about camp starting- a little more than a month, and it'll be the first day of camp! :)

This Week's Project

Right now I think the main thing I should be focusing on is organizing my room so it actually at least looks like it's organized. But that's only this week's project. Overall, meaning the entire summer, I really want to buy a car. A really great opportunity came up: before school starts in the fall, there is a 3-day leadership retreat. It means I would be moving in on the 22nd of August. Today I called Kara over Skype and asked if she can drive me. She said yes, but I feel bad because I live out of the way, so even though I'm paying gas money, it's a big inconvenience. I hate depending on everyone all the time, and it's not only about the rides. I still feel slightly unwelcome in what I used to call my house, but I now call my parent's house. Now I kind of understand where my friend, Caitie, is coming from with living in an apartment. I just worry because most places are more expensive than the school's housing is. Plus, I'll be using more gas by commuting, unless I just live really close to school. Anyway, I want to get a job at Marshalls. It's a really awesome clothing store that I've bought clothes from in the past. The best thing about it is that there is a Marshalls in Hamden near my school and one in Middletown, the next town over from where I live. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to really live in an apartment until at least my senior year of college, so during Winter break and the other times I have off I'll switch branches: that is, if they allow me to do that. I think it would be a really cool experience working at Marshalls, and if I can get a car by the end of the summer, I hope they hire me. If not, I'll have to make other arrangements because obviously I need a stable job to maintain a car. Even during the summer when I have the camp job, I can just work at Marshalls either in the mornings or nights during the week depending on which camp shift I get, and I can work on the weekends, too. If I do that, plus make time to drive over to my friends' houses, I would barely be home. Maybe that will make my mom think twice about not welcoming me into the house. She'll have to deal with not seeing me ever. Watch, though, she'll probably find a way to blame it all on me. I just need some help...as in support, which I'm not getting from my family.

Just Talking

I invited Natalie and Kristin over today so we could hang out and maybe do a little karaoke. I invited Rachel, too, but she was too sleepy/sick to come. Plus, she was the one that was supposed to bring the karaoke game for the Xbox, so we couldn't really do that either. But it ended up being okay because Natalie, Kristin, and I ended up just talking for about 4 hours. Natalie wants to transfer colleges because the people at MCLA are making her unhappy, so we were looking at schools with good arts management programs for her to apply to for the Spring. Kristin is starting basic training for the Army in July, and she'll be there in Missouri all the way to November. That's a long time. So we talked about throwing her a "young adult/college student" going away party, separate from the adults and relatives at the party her parents are throwing. At the end of last summer, Natalie and I took a hike in the woods and found a spot where we could build a bonfire and party it up. We said we would have a get-together there, but it never happened. So I was thinking maybe we could have Kristin's going away party there...but nothing is set in stone.
It was just really nice to catch up with my girls after such a long time not seeing them. I really don't want Natalie to attend school even farther away. And Kristin will be all the way in Missouri with no way to contact us. :( But we still have some time left before we say goodbye.
Things are still rocky with my mom, but I'm trying to work it out. If only we were closer: things would be a lot easier for me. But we can't live in a world of "if only"s.

Say Goodbye to Childhood

It may be hard to believe, but I still had a ton of my kid stuff scattered throughout my room. Bratz. Barbies. Dolls. I still have a couple of stuffed animals, but besides those, all my toys are gone. Rachel, one of my best friends, and I spent most of today cleaning my room and removing unnecessary items to make room for everything else. AND we fixed my bed! Well, it was mostly Dad. But it lies flat now! And it is higher than before. I no longer have to sleep on a tilt. I still have to figure out where I'm putting some clothes, clean my closet, and think about my book situation...but I'm a lot closer to having a room where people can actually step in and socialize than before. Yay!

Did Mom even miss me?

I come home, and immediately Jared comes through the front door. I feel happy: it's nice to be missed by my little brother. Right behind him is Mom! Were they just waiting for me to come home? I'm ecstatic. I say, "Hi, Jared!" He says hi back in a half-way friendly voice like he's in a half-way decent mood. Mom says something to Jared and I go, "Hi, Mom." She responds with, "Hi" like she's stressed out. She asks my father if we need help with my bags. He goes, "We could use it." And she goes, Sighhh. "Okay, Jared, let's put your stuff down and come back outside." I was half-way offended. I mean, it's like she had a prior commitment and was unhappy she couldn't leave the house before I got home. Dad said to not worry about it, that it was Jared that had made her upset. I was just hurt that she couldn't put that aside to welcome her only daughter home. Like I've said in previous posts, this place? Not my home. It's just a place I once lived that holds my family and the place I crash in during breaks. I told my friend about my mom's behavior, and all she had to say was, "That's really depressing." And it is. You know what? I don't care. It just gives me that much more motivation to get out of here. Wow, it really is sad.  

A Balanced Diet

Today's list of food eaten:
A bunch of Goldfish (pretzel and saltine)
A cookie bar (it's a sugar cookie in the shape of a brownie)
Two donuts
Orange juice
Water

Wow is all I have to say. Tomorrow I wanna wake up extra early, get ready, and eat a normal breakfast. Oh, and start packing. Change of plans: I'm now leaving Sunday morning because Dad is too busy to pick me up Saturday and Mom is a no-show. Okay, that's a bit of an overstatement because Mom usually brings me back and Dad brings me home so actually it makes sense. But whatever, I don't wanna think about my family home right now. I'm in the middle of watching a lifetime movie about a girl who gets preggers at 16. Legit. It makes me wanna watch 16 and Pregnant.

How many blisters do I have?

Far too many to count. I'm thinking it's definitely time to invest in a new pair of sneakers because those old brown and pink ones aren't cutting it anymore. My feet hurt so bad I can barely walk, although I'm forcing myself to because I need to get to Conn and eat some lunch/dinner. I did eat breakfast around 7:00 this morning because Poucel brought DD. Ugh, but just thinking about those donuts and all the junk I had last night/this morning makes me sick. But I think everything (or at least the extra food I wouldn't normally have) was burnt off while walking. Because I'm estimating I walked at least eight miles. It feels good to fight against cancer. And the French Club and I got closer...which feels good too. :) <3
Alright, it's been basically a half hour since I've brushed my teeth, so I'm going to fix the in-text citations on my English paper, print it out downstairs, and then head to Conn. I have no idea what I'm hungry for but hopefully they'll have something good. And healthy. Ugh. At least I can say the first half of the day was healthy with a bagel (?) for Saturday morning breakfast and a salad (legit) for lunch.

May Day

Today was pretty amazing. I woke up today ready to start my day...I didn't even hit the snooze button! All this week I've been sleeping in my room by myself, and I'm not complaining. It's been great. I have gotten the proper needed sleep all this week without the late night chitchatting and chilly, noisy early morning wakeup calls. I even got to eat breakfast with Chenae, one of my Chase floor mates. The French Club Relay for Life meeting was a little shaky because not a lot of people showed up, but we did talk and get what needed to be done...done. Then I had to play flag football in exercise science today...it was alright...mostly it was the guys running the ball and chasing each other down. But it was kind of fun anyway. In English, Ion actually took editing my paper seriously and we had a good conversation about my paper. At the end he said, "You're a journalism major, right?" And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Good. Keep it." It just felt terrific to hear! :) Then I had lunch, talked to Michelle who I haven't seen in a while, and made the Les Bleu t-shirts with Erika and Angelica.
But the best part of today was the carnival we had outside on the quad. They called it "May Day." It seems schools have carnivals a lot, especially in the spring. Chase girls with there, Farnham girls were there...I hung out with Laura for the first time in forever. I talked to Sarah on a day we didn't have math class. Those floaty things were fun, and there were a lot of laughs to go around. And then I spent the night watching movies on ABC Family and Spike.
Like I said, an amazing day. And tomorrow (or later on today) is Relay for Life. <3

Something like this...

"I can't look at you the same anymore."

I just posted this as my status on Facebook. I hate liars. The one thing I look for in a friend is loyalty, and if you're loyal, that means you don't lie to me. To my face. With someone who knows you're lying and will tell me you're lying...is sitting right next to you! I try not to lie. The only times I lie is when I'm scared, or when I'm feeling pathetic...or if I want to protect myself or someone I love.

Scared: I don't know what the outcome will be, if it will be good or bad, so in the heat of the moment I lie
Pathetic: I know what I should have been doing and I either wasn't doing it or didn't follow through 100%...so I lie
Protecting myself: I feel a threat in the air and lie to protect myself
Protecting someone I love: I get highly offended by what the other party is saying so I lie to make them look better (this is just one example)

It looks like in a lot of these instances I lie because of some threat. The threat of making myself vulnerable, the threat of getting hurt, the threat of having someone I care about getting hurt...

Okay, I admit that sometimes I lie when I am embarrassed, which is kind of the same as feeling pathetic.

Alright, I know exactly what to say now...hopefully it works out. :/

Looks like a novel...maybe I'll read it sometime. :P

Hot Chocolate

On a cold rainy day like this one, the only cure is hot chocolate. That and a couple sugar cookies. Warm feelings. That's what you need on a rainy day. :)

Dead Man's Cellphone Tonight!

All in all, I suck as a journalist. I had like 3 weeks to do some investigative reporting and find out who's in Dead Man, what it's all about, and interview people from the cast, crew, and part of the SCSU Theater Department. Did I do that? No! Ugh, I'm so mad at myself. I kept on making excuses, and now it's the day of opening night, and it's basically too late. Someone even went to a dress rehearsal, snapped some photos, and posted them to Southern's Facebook page. I feel so out of the loop (as I often do) and like a lousy journalist. How am I supposed to enter this career if I can't even perform? But Josh Kovner said he was shy. He hates roaming the streets searching for voice and opinion. The worst part of the job, he said. But he does it! I feel like I'm just done with this semester, sick of putting myself out on the line, and done with dealing with people. I want to recreate myself this summer and come back to Semester Two Fall 2011 a new woman. But I keep on saying this! It goes back to those other posts about being the "movie version" me or the "robot perfect" me. It all goes back to me not liking who I am and wanting to change it. I'm not sure if I can change.
Well, here's some good news: I got a new dress on Sunday! It was from Target, but I don't care. It's still an AllStar brand, which I already have shoes from. It's purple with lace-like cotton, diagonal strips, flowing, and very summer. I've been waiting for a bright sunny day in which to wear it. :) Maybe Thursday will be that day! 

Student Appreciation Day

Today is Student Appreciation Day, and it's an amazing atmosphere. There are float devices, hamburgers and hot dogs, smoothies, Fuse, tea, music...but the best part is all the students hanging around. I love it when I see Southern Owls venture out to the quad and just pass around a baseball or play volleyball. The energy of the place just heightens...and I'm happier to call this place not only my school but home. And this really is home. After I got back from a weekend of traveling, I couldn't help but say out loud, "Home." Yay, Southern!

My beautiful dorm. :) 

Sleepover at UNH

After spending a night at the University of New Haven, I'm glad I chose Southern over that school. I mean, it's unlikely I would have chosen UNH anyway because I'd never even heard of the school, much less visited it or even considered applying, until Kristin told me about it last year. But it seems like a good match for her. There's just a lot of random rules/regulations I don't understand. Like how the academic buildings are all locked up on weekends. And the dining hall doesn't open until 10:30 am on Sundays. And you have to pay for lunch. At least the University gives you about $500 in what they call Charger Cash, so I suppose you can make that last for your lunch money. She was like, you don't really need lunch...UMMMM, I'm a hungry girl that likes to eat...I need my 3 squares at least!
Other than that, UNH is a pretty good school...I guess. I mean, it's hard for me to write a lot of good things about it because I'm so loyal to Southern. I told her I can't wait for her to visit my school next year because my school rocks! And I want to show her that. Kristin and I have been great friends for a long time...this is the first time we've hung out in a long time...and we never ran out of things to talk about! Plus, she found my sugar high (I blame her...she's the one who gave me the Sprite) hilarious. I introduced her to Taboo...I couldn't believe she had never played it! And I managed to find two academic buildings actually open for exploring. Plus, we played Frisbee on the quad...kind of embarrassing because I'm not the best catcher (or thrower) in the world, and I felt all the boys staring at me. Even before that, in the dining hall, a few guys were watching me...especially this one guy waiting for his omelet...I just gave him the "what the freak are you looking at, I'm just getting some freaking breakfast!" look. He didn't really react all that much, so I thought maybe it was my imagination and maybe he was just staring...into space? But we definitely made eye contact...but I asked Kristin about it, and she said that boys there just look at everyone randomly. It made me feel self conscience, like I didn't fit in...but it was a different school and only the first time I've been there. So I'm not too worried.
What matters is that I had a fabulous time with Kristin. And I'm beat. It's only 9:20 pm and I'm considering going to bed after I clean a little. I saw Chastity and Jasmine in bed earlier...it was around 7:00 pm! But that's another blog post...(Kristin told me it's healthier to wake up at the same time every day...at 8 am...yeah, right!). Good evening all! :)

Me, Kristin, and our friend Natalie...kind of an old picture. Sad we didn't think to take pictures today. 

NYC People to People Trip

I traveled a lot this weekend. Saturday morning I hopped the train to New York, my favorite city I've visited so far in my life. I don't know where the Seventeen headquarters are located, but it's a close bet that they're in NYC. Just because EVERYTHING is there. Basically. So we get there, and it starts off shaky because I'm a nervous wreck due to the fact I'm basically traveling on my own. I don't have any close friends with me, so if something happens to me...well, I'm not that confident the people in the club would care. Enough. Well, Sean probably would...and maybe Joe...though, I'm pretty sure he hates me now due to what happened at breakfast that day...but back to New York! We started walking to the UN Center (I kept on seeing UN everywhere and kept on thinking it was un...as in "a" in French...), I suddenly felt this incredible RUSH. Like, OMG I'm in New York City! God, I could LIVE here. And I really could. And I told my fellow people in People to People, and they basically just laughed at me (or thought I was stupid). They didn't understand.
The UN Center was great. We got a tour of the place and some history, which was pretty interesting. The best part was the UN room where representatives from every country and region around the world comes to discuss world issues. Barack Obama himself had stood in that room! Along with a bunch of other well-known leaders.
Afterwards we went to this church where we ate a Norwegian lunch...rice pudding with cinnamon and butter was the main dish. We also had waffles with jelly. It was all good, and it was pretty interesting eating food I would not normally eat.
After that we walked through Central Park. It was such a beautiful day that I didn't even really think about the fact Gossip Girl has been filmed there on numerous occasions (along with so many other shows and movies!). I focused mainly on the incredible beauty around me. The smells of the steak cooking on those portable stoves (enough to make me want a steak), the heat of the sun on my arms, the breeze flying across my cheeks, and the energy of the city passing through my very pores...maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but it really was amazing.
We then split into two groups...one group went on a carriage ride (I had already done it and it was expensive), and my group walked to Times Square...with a couple pit stops on the way. Including a Lego store (hahahahaha, it was really cool), and the Rockefeller Center (where the photos below are). Times Square was definitely great as always...just a little crowded. We were there during rush hour so a lot of people going every which way, cars honking, and police whistles going off. But I'm glad we decided to walk down there.
After that, we decided to head back to the train station. It had been a long day and everyone was broke anyway. We had about a half hour until our next train, so we went downstairs to grab some food. I ate part of my PB&J before deciding it was disgusting...I found it today and decided it was time to thoroughly wash my dishes...like scrubbing. :/ Haha. We caught the 7:07 pm train, and Sean and I actually had a great conversation on the way back. I even ended  up telling him things I've only told a few people...we really got close. Too bad he scared me away again with his terrible driving. Once we got  back to campus, I promised Kristin I would come visit her at UNH, and he said he would drive me back...a little too scary for my taste. He turned on his GPS and everything...but he didn't USE it. After about five times of him missing the turns, I was like, "Um, what's going on?" That's an exact quote!! I was just so taken aback. He answered with he wanted to take the highway...which makes zero sense, but he was driving, so I didn't argue.
All in all, NYC was awesome...to the very end.

Sorry the pictures are so small...:P