The New Me

Today in English 112 we discussed Aristotle and something about politics and pleasure or something like that. We were supposed to read this section of the book (which I didn't, but not on purpose, I swear) I'm guessing by Aristotle about all these things, but I was going into the classroom blind to all this extra information basically everyone else had read (supposedly). But what I got out of the lecture is two things: boys are pigs that are into food, booze, and sex, and that it's impossible to be perfect. I mean, I've never once thought I was perfect or that anyone else was for that matter. And there was even a time when I didn't mind not being perfect. But I think back and I realize there was never a time when I could comfortably wear a bikini except when I was a little girl and the pudge was cute. I look at the models that are smiling happily in their little bathing suits, looking more gorgeous than ever, and I'm jealous. I think about the Top Model house where they make potato pancakes and fried oreos and eat whatever the hell they want and they're still sticks. And I eat a few extra cookies and I feel like a fattie. I want so much to be perfect...not just with my body, but with my mind, with my grades, with my social life, with money. I also learned today money is considered second hand because money just leads to the things you want. Speaking of second hand, I constantly feel second hand with everyone living in Chase. Shanikwa and Desiree were just talking about moving to Brownell, another dorm, next year, and they don't even care if I wasn't there with them. Well, maybe Desiree would care, and maybe a few others, but those others don't. I just wanna turn into another person all together sometimes, just to experience being another person: maybe that's why I love acting so much.

By the way, sorry for not writing in the longest and then writing this big-ass thing that will take probably forever to read. I still haven't posted any videos on my YouTube channel because my webcam is ghetto and I lost my camera cord. Sometimes there's just too many things I need to GET DONE and it's just too overwhelming.
I save almost everything I write, whether it be on my flash-drive, on my computer, or in a notebook. I wrote the following paper last semester, and it talks about what I called at the time "movie version person." What I really mean it that perfect person I want to be. I realize now it's impossible.

Perfect, like a robot. Kind of. 

Freshman Year Experience Narrative

            In high school, I was kinda known as a drama geek. When I got to college, I planned on meeting an all-new group of friends, changing myself so I would be more social. However, I ended up meeting people similar to the friends I made back from high school, and I imagine them meeting and actually getting along. At first, I didn’t think I changed myself either: merely embracing myself for who I am and caring even less what other people thought. In high school, I knew basically everyone in my school: if I didn’t know their name, I at least had seen them around. In college, there are thousands of students, not just hundreds, so it is impossible to actually know every person in my classes, much less my whole grade, even more less my whole school. So who cares what that person staring at my outfit thinks? I probably won’t ever run into them again.

            As far as my personality goes, I am still the same outgoing person when hanging out with my new friends. I’ve always loved watching movies, and at college, I’ve met someone who has watched even more movies than I have: plus she owns them. Caitlin Gardner. In August, when I got my laptop, I would spend hours watching movies one after another on YouTube, but now I can watch them one after another with Caitlin because she has at school alone about 25 different movies. Plus, we have the same taste, so it’s enjoyable for both of us. In this way, I am more social than I was in high school because back then I would spend every night by myself in my room, watching movies and television and not really keeping in contact with anyone. Now I text my new friend Caitie that my roommates aren’t in the room, so let’s watch a movie! We’ll steal some food from Conn, and we’ll spend a couple of hours hanging out together instead of me being so antisocial.

            When I was bored at home in high school, I would call my best friend and we would talk for literally two and a half hours, sometimes even more. Now, I have a new friend to call: Kara Westbrook. Not only can I call her, but she lives in the dorm right behind me, and we can easily meet up to hang out. She even joins me and Caitie when we have our movie nights. We have a lot of similar personality traits; for instance, we both have huge hearts. I think it was meant for us to be friends: we met by sitting at the same table on a field trip, we ended up being in the same Math class, and she is Vice President and I am Secretary of the People to People Club.  Caitie, Kara, and I have formed one of those threesomes I only hear about in books and movies which reminds me fiercely of the threesome I formed back in high school.

            I thought when I came to college, I would become that student I always wanted to be: studious, hardworking, and not a procrastinator. Well, it turns out, my study habits did not change: I still hate sitting still and studying something I’m not interested in, I only work hard when I need to, like at the last minute because I’m still a procrastinator. With college, there are even more distractions than there were in high school with club events, school trips, friends at such a close distance, and roommates blasting music and daring me to stay up for just one more hour; it’s difficult to ever get any homework done. However, there is so much extra time because college is not set up like high school where you go to school for six hours and come home to do homework. I have breaks in between my classes so I can do homework then, plus I don’t have a set time I have to go to sleep now that I’m on my own away from my parents, so I can stay up ‘til two am if I wanted doing homework (or not).

            Something that I do in college that I never did in high school is having multiple meals (besides lunch) with my friends basically every day. It’s fun to eat with friends and catch up on what’s going on in each other’s lives with classes, boy drama, and plans for the weekend. I would always watch movies that people meet for lunch to “catch up” and now I am actually experiencing it myself. I also have the freedom to go out without having to ask my parent’s permission like taking the shuttle to the mall on the weekends. For me, the shuttle to the mall is extra convenient because I have a friend that goes to a near-by college and by meeting at the mall, we can stay in touch and have the opportunity to see each other in person, not just over Skype. The thing I miss about high school is study halls: a time in which we are given to do school work. In college, I have to make my own time to do school work, and that can be challenging with all these new distractions.

When I went home for the weekend because my Saturday class was cancelled, I visited everyone in my church, and women I had been close to, like in the Women’s Fellowship who’re friends with my mom and women in the choir I used to sing with, said college had changed me in a positive way. There were the obvious changes, like how I parted my hair differently, bought a new, leather jacket, and put on the “freshman fifteen,” but then the less obvious ones: I was more open and more inclined to talk to people. I had changed without even realizing it, and already it has helped me with interacting and becoming that dream, movie-version person I still can become.

Man, I'm feeling really down, I think I need to listen to "F***ing Perfect" by Pink. And a bunch of Jesus music i.e. Jars of Clay, Stellar Kart, and SevenGlory.

"Pretty pretty please! Don't you ever ever feel like you're less than f***ing perfect!" 

"When you feel like no one understands where you are, someone loves you even when you don't think so. Don't you know you got me and Jesus?" 

I've been going to a group called "Bible Talk" every Tuesday night. The guy that runs it, a senior named Titus (I hope that's how you spell it...:/), inspired me last night. He said God changed his life. I want to let God in to help me change my life. But how can He change my life when what I want is the impossible?