Too Bad For You

There are some moments when I think I've gone bonkers. Like, seriously depressed and oozy. But I think I'm just getting that allusion. Like, back in middle school and even freshman year I thought I was a pretty good person. I mean, I think. There was those few weeks when I wanted to cut myself and start an eating disorder, thanks to that witch who must remain unnamed, but those were mostly because of my looks. After that witch basically called me fat (with witnesses), I actually believed her, that stupid kid I was. I mean, I was at my A game: I was the thinnest I'd ever be basically...I could even fit into a size five! But this is just another example of me hearing something and actually believing it about myself, even if it didn't make sense. In sophomore year, everyone had to take a health class, and in this said health class I learned about self esteem. I always connected it to how you look on the outside, but my teacher insisted if you have self esteem, you only care about what's on the inside. In her words (it really stuck with me): "If you look in the mirror in the morning, you might look like crap, but if you don't honestly believe that inside you are a good person, then you have issues." I often think about that every time I look in the mirror: oh, I look like shit, but that's okay, I'm a good person...or am I? A few weeks ago, I read the most incredible book called, "It's Kind of a Funny Story." I never remember authors, but if you search on Amazon, I'm sure you'll find it. It's about depression. And, now all of a sudden I might have depression? Just because I read this book? What's wrong with me? All I know is that sometimes my mind gets eaten alive by all these things I want to do but never get around to doing because it's all so overwhelming and I'm so scared  of failing it's almost better not to try. But then I think back and think I'm a failure anyway because I'm just lugging around, being a fat ass when bigger and better people are actually succeeding in life, who have cars, a steady job, getting good grades, in good relationships. I feel like all I want are these things but they're so many steps in getting them I can't...I don't have the willpower to get them.